10 years ago, just about now, my phone rang as I was heading back from lunch. I knew going in I would have no service and I was super crazy. I grabbed my phone and talked to my Dad for just a few minutes. We were both busy but he wanted to say hi as he always did. He was having people over for dinner and was telling me all about the Christmas trees. We were planning my Christmas visit since I couldn't come home for Thanksgiving and I hadn't seen him since June. We both agreed it was too long. I don't know if we had ever gone that long without seeing each other.
Later that night, our phone were acting really weird so I called me sister to tell her that we couldn't get calls in but could call out. Why I did this, I am not sure. Turns out it was one of the best decision I made that night. I hadn't slept well in days. We went to bed early and I had the best night of sleep In weeks. I woke up early, ready to go. I made plans with Bill to come pick him up at lunch to do something (for the life of me, I can't remember what he was doing that day) I left for work early, picked up a coworker and got to work early. I saw I had missed calls on my work phone. Two of them were my Dad's cell phone. Not uncommon as he often forgot and called my work number instead of my cell but strange as one was about 3:00 am and the other 6:00am. No 10 years ago, just about now, my phone rang as I was heading back from lunch. I knew going in I would have no service and I was super crazy. I grabbed my phone and talked to my Dad for just a few minutes. We were both busy but he wanted to say hi as he always did. He was having people over for dinner and was telling me all about the Christmas trees. We were planning my Christmas visit since I couldn't come home for Thanksgiving and I hadn't seen him since June. We both agreed it was too long. I don't know if we had ever gone that long without seeing each other.
Later that night, our phone were acting really weird so I called me sister to tell her that we couldn't get call in but could call out. Why I did this, I am not sure. Turns out it was one of the best decision I made that night. I hadn't slept well in days. We went to bed early and I had the best night of sleep In weeks. I woke up early, ready to go. I made plans with Bill to come pick him up at lunch to do something (for the life of me, I can't remember what he was doing that day) I left for work early, picked up a coworker and got to work early. I saw I had missed calls on my work phone. Two of them were my Dad's cell phone. Not uncommon as he often forget and called my work number instead of my cell but strange as one was about 3:00 am and the othe 6:00. No message so I didn't think much before I started getting questions at work. About 7:40 Bill called. I answered and I could tell something was wrong. He insisted I come home immediately. I was so confused. I tried asking serval times what was wrong. Finally he said very firmly I need you to come home now. Stop asking me questions and come home. I was so confused. I called my boss, no answer. I called my coworker and said I had to go home and to tell our boss.
I drove home, very confused. On a busy day we lived 7 minutes away. My memories begin to become hazy at this point but I remember very vividly crossing the railroad tracks in front of the old Ramada Inn. The words Dwayne Carson told us each year on Prayer Leader/SLD/RA training came flooding back. He always told us that someone will get a phone call this year that will change their life. It may even be you. At that point. I remember crying out to God, please let my family be okay. Until that point, it never occurred to me that something could be wrong with my family.
At that moment, I began to panic. I remember pulling in our parking space. Bill was on the porch, on the phone. He had been crying. At this point I was so confused. I couldn't form a thought. He handed me the phone. It was my Mom. She was crying. Again, I wasn't quite sure what was happening.
I don't remember her exacts word. Frankly I don't remember much of the conversation. I remember her saying that Dad was home. I was lost. She began to relive the events of the night before. The night that I had the best sleep of my life. I remembering sitting on the stairs in our townhouse crying, still confused, waiting to wake up from this very confusing dream. I vaguely remember our conversation not lasting long. I told her I would call her back as soon as I made plans. I remember calling Larry and saying "Apparently Dad just died. I have to go to Florida but I am not quite sure how to get there. Do you have directions." I know, an odd conversation. He did have directions and brought them right over. Moments later, all I could think about was my sister. I hadn't even asked about her. How she was. What had happened. So I called again. Still praying this was all a dream and hoping for Dad to answer.
Time began to stand still. Fortunately God has erased some of the memories of th following week. I remember we had to have the oil changed in the car. By this point, friends and family were calling. I remember sitting there drinking a Coke in the Jiffy Lube, still thinking that this has to be a dream. I remember driving the very long 13 hours drive. I called Mom about every half hour. I was so worried about her and Maribeth.
I thought the drive had to be horrible, but pulling up to the house my heart physically hurt. When we came to visit Dad always waited for us outside. Oh how I hoped he was there.
The next two or three days are a blur. Were we really sitting in the funeral home planning his viewing and service and picking out final resting place? Picking out what he would wear and making sure his hair was perfect. If you knew him, you would understand. He had to have his purple jacket and wingtip shoes and we would make his hair perfect. No one could fix it quite like he could.
Saturday came. Even through our laughter and tears we still couldn't believe this was happening. How was he not hear with us. Being silly and just being Dad. How do we do this. How can I sit there and say goodbye? How can I have enough physical strength do to to. It as a long service. Just like he would have wanted. We only sang about 10 of his favorite songs. Of course the service was about 3 hours. If we would have sand all his favorite songs, we would still be there. Pretty sure most songs were his favorite.
His friends told stories. Some I had never heard but all emphasizing how special he was.
Honestly 10 years later there are times it still doesn't feel normal without him.
Each year that passes the loss becomes easier and harder. You don't necessarily miss him like you did 10 years ago, but your heart still hurts. Those moments you wish he wasn't missing. Isaac's birth. Oh how I wished he was there. Noah's birth. He would have loved my boys so much. Maribeth's wedding. Watching her walk down the aisle physically made my heart hurt. How could he be missing these days?
This is probably cliche but I miss him most at Christmas. Maybe it's the anniversary of his death or maybe it was because it was his favorite time of year. I don't know, I just know that every Christmas song, every candlelight service, every cantata, every over the top tree, my heart still hurts.
I love him so much. He had his flaws, like all of us, but he was the best Dad in the world. Every once in a while Bill will hug my with a scraggly beard and I immediately feel my Dad. His face always scratched me when he hugged me. My cheek always turned red. I love that memory.
10 years later what can I say to remember him the way we should? There aren't words. In the last year we have lost many friends and family members. My eyes fill with tears when I think about the reunion in heaven. I can still imagine hearing him sing "And just think of stepping on shore, and finding it's heaven. Of touching hand and finding it's God's. Of waking up in Glory and finding your home." He is home. Not his earthly home but his eternal home.
Our Family
November 2013
November 28, 2015
August 14, 2015
One year later
You know me, always remember anniversaries of events. Sometimes it can be a good thing and sometimes it can be a very difficult thing.
Life is not a fairy tail. Oh in my dream land or perfect world it is. But if we are all honest, it's not. As I think over the last week, it's been a tough one. The transition of not only Isaac going back to school and getting in the routine but now adding Noah to the mix has been difficult. Wait, who am I kidding it has been hard. It has been a struggle for all of us for a variety of reasons. I think we have all shed some tears over the past week. My baby is growing up. He's not a baby anymore. I think the hardest thing has been that Noah is polar opposite than Isaac. We've known this since about 5 minutes after his birth. They are completely and totally opposite in every way. Noah loves school, but unfortunately Noah got his Momma's worry wort tendencies. It's amazing how I see all my flaws in my children and it really bothers me. Seeing this tendency in Noah, I just want to save him the pain of worrying about every situation that might arise. It's been a rough week.
But, I look back at this time last year. This week is not even a comparison to last year. Last year, Noah has stitches, Isaac started school, I left work for 6 weeks and was on the way to have major surgery. Talk about lots of events in the matter of a few days. One year ago about right now we were headed to Vanderbilt facing a huge surgery that we most likely knew would end in a cancer diagnosis. I remember laying out all of the "what if" plans with Bill and giving him specific directions for every possible scenario. Password, account numbers and everything. I remember saying as they wheeled me into surgery, here's another password. I am crazy. Now there is no doubt where Noah gets it ;-)
A year ago, I was so unsure of what the future held. So unsure of what would happen next. However, I was filled with peace. Only a peace that God could give. When I lost my Dad, his college friend Ross told me that God gives you a peace in times of distress that you don't really understand while you are going through it. This was true when my Dad passed away and again last summer. For 6 long weeks last summer that is how I felt. There were days of fear and concern and disbelief. In the end in knew God had it under control. Looking back now, it was a difficult time, emotionally, physically, spiritually and in every other way possible. It was just hard. But out of that difficult time I truly believe God had bigger plans. Do I know all of those plans? No, not at all. I do believe one of His plans was for me to rest. Resting is extremely hard for me. I think that's one of the factors of why I am so tired all the time. God taught me a lot through that time of resting and making it almost impossible, for a short time, to do anything other than walk down the stairs. He taught me it's okay to rest and okay to let the house be messy and the laundry go undone. Now of course there are time I take advantage of this part of the resting. I think the biggest thing He taught me was how much of a control freak I really am. Normally if things aren't done the way I want them to be done I just do it myself. It's easier that way. If I do it myself it's done right. I had no other choice than to realize I had to let other people do thing for me. This is still a daily struggle. I don't like to depend on other people. Not because I've been hurt or scared in a tragic event, I just like to do it myself. This also bleeds into my relationship with Christ. Because I like to do it myself and show I am capable, instead of turning to Him in the beginning, I turn to Him when I have exhausted all my options and have nowhere else to turn.
To wrap up my rambling thoughts, yes this story in my life had a happy ending. Going through this experience was difficult, but I had great news in the end. No cancer. Unfortunately I have friends who were going through similar experiences at the same time and they did not have the happy ending that I did. Day in and day out they are dealing with the reality that they are in their mid 30's and have cancer or another illness that will affect them in some way every day. Hopefully this can be an encouragement that even though this story in my life had a happy ending, not all of them do. I am not sure that anyway can truly say every story in their life has a happy ending. Life is hard. Life is really hard at times. God will give you more than you can handle. Why? Because He wants to be handle it for you and so that we can give Him the glory even when it's not a happy ending.
Life is not a fairy tail. Oh in my dream land or perfect world it is. But if we are all honest, it's not. As I think over the last week, it's been a tough one. The transition of not only Isaac going back to school and getting in the routine but now adding Noah to the mix has been difficult. Wait, who am I kidding it has been hard. It has been a struggle for all of us for a variety of reasons. I think we have all shed some tears over the past week. My baby is growing up. He's not a baby anymore. I think the hardest thing has been that Noah is polar opposite than Isaac. We've known this since about 5 minutes after his birth. They are completely and totally opposite in every way. Noah loves school, but unfortunately Noah got his Momma's worry wort tendencies. It's amazing how I see all my flaws in my children and it really bothers me. Seeing this tendency in Noah, I just want to save him the pain of worrying about every situation that might arise. It's been a rough week.
But, I look back at this time last year. This week is not even a comparison to last year. Last year, Noah has stitches, Isaac started school, I left work for 6 weeks and was on the way to have major surgery. Talk about lots of events in the matter of a few days. One year ago about right now we were headed to Vanderbilt facing a huge surgery that we most likely knew would end in a cancer diagnosis. I remember laying out all of the "what if" plans with Bill and giving him specific directions for every possible scenario. Password, account numbers and everything. I remember saying as they wheeled me into surgery, here's another password. I am crazy. Now there is no doubt where Noah gets it ;-)
A year ago, I was so unsure of what the future held. So unsure of what would happen next. However, I was filled with peace. Only a peace that God could give. When I lost my Dad, his college friend Ross told me that God gives you a peace in times of distress that you don't really understand while you are going through it. This was true when my Dad passed away and again last summer. For 6 long weeks last summer that is how I felt. There were days of fear and concern and disbelief. In the end in knew God had it under control. Looking back now, it was a difficult time, emotionally, physically, spiritually and in every other way possible. It was just hard. But out of that difficult time I truly believe God had bigger plans. Do I know all of those plans? No, not at all. I do believe one of His plans was for me to rest. Resting is extremely hard for me. I think that's one of the factors of why I am so tired all the time. God taught me a lot through that time of resting and making it almost impossible, for a short time, to do anything other than walk down the stairs. He taught me it's okay to rest and okay to let the house be messy and the laundry go undone. Now of course there are time I take advantage of this part of the resting. I think the biggest thing He taught me was how much of a control freak I really am. Normally if things aren't done the way I want them to be done I just do it myself. It's easier that way. If I do it myself it's done right. I had no other choice than to realize I had to let other people do thing for me. This is still a daily struggle. I don't like to depend on other people. Not because I've been hurt or scared in a tragic event, I just like to do it myself. This also bleeds into my relationship with Christ. Because I like to do it myself and show I am capable, instead of turning to Him in the beginning, I turn to Him when I have exhausted all my options and have nowhere else to turn.
To wrap up my rambling thoughts, yes this story in my life had a happy ending. Going through this experience was difficult, but I had great news in the end. No cancer. Unfortunately I have friends who were going through similar experiences at the same time and they did not have the happy ending that I did. Day in and day out they are dealing with the reality that they are in their mid 30's and have cancer or another illness that will affect them in some way every day. Hopefully this can be an encouragement that even though this story in my life had a happy ending, not all of them do. I am not sure that anyway can truly say every story in their life has a happy ending. Life is hard. Life is really hard at times. God will give you more than you can handle. Why? Because He wants to be handle it for you and so that we can give Him the glory even when it's not a happy ending.
August 21, 2014
A week later....
This time last week I was still sleeping. There are fleeting moments that I wish I was still sleeping like that. It was a good sleep. But shortly I would wake up and realize this surgery hurt. It really hurt. In my mind it was going to be like a c-section. Man oh man was I wrong. About 2 hours after "waking up" they had a room for me. They wheeled me up to my room and asked me to move over into my bed. I think they were the ones on drugs, not me. Let me spare you the details but the next few hours were filled with lost of tears, lots of "why did I do this?", lots of trial and error with meds and lots of getting sick from the different meds.
About 2:30 they came to give me more meds and told me by shift change I need to get out of bed. Again, I was pretty sure they were the ones on heavy drugs. Around 3:30 they came to check on me again and I decided to get up and we walked around the circle. I felt like that took forever and felt like I had run 3 billion miles.
On Friday morning my doctor came in to visit me and told me I was doing fabulous and I could go home in a few hours if I wanted. What in the world? I was planning a 3-4 day stay and in less than 12 hours you are telling me I can go home? We waited through the morning so I could walk a little more to make sure there wasn't a problem. Bill left to pick up Mom and the boys and while he was gone I saw the doctor and they said I could go home. We packed up and got home in just over 24 hours after my surgery began.
The first few days home were a blur. I slept a large amount of the time. Tuesday morning my Mom left. I don't know what I would have done without her. She was a huge help. On Tuesday my doctor called with test results. I must say I was anxious when I heard his voice as in my past experience the doctor doesn't call with good news, they leave that to the nurse or resident. He said because it was such good news he had to call me himself. The mass removed was not cancer! Hallelujah, Praise the Lord! it was a mass with a blood flow that looked as cancer on the test because of the amount of blood. What a relief!
Today I have been up, at least sitting on the couch, a good portion of the day. We picked Isaac up from school and ran a few errands. We were gone less than an hour and sat in the car the majority of time and I was exhausted. I am in very little pain now which is crazy if you look at my stomach. 6 incisions, lots of bruises and swelling but very little pain. I am amazed at whole good I feel, just struggling with little energy. I hate not having energy.
But God is so good. Without so many people covering me in prayer I cannot imagine I would be feeling this good.
For the most part, this recovery has not been this bad. I must say that without my husband I would be lost. It is so hard for me to release control of anything. But I haven't had a choice lately. He has been so wonderful and supportive and has had many sleepless night as I wake him up to get me a drink or medicine or help me out of bed. I am so thankful that God blessed me with such a wonderful man.
Thank you for you continued prayers.
About 2:30 they came to give me more meds and told me by shift change I need to get out of bed. Again, I was pretty sure they were the ones on heavy drugs. Around 3:30 they came to check on me again and I decided to get up and we walked around the circle. I felt like that took forever and felt like I had run 3 billion miles.
On Friday morning my doctor came in to visit me and told me I was doing fabulous and I could go home in a few hours if I wanted. What in the world? I was planning a 3-4 day stay and in less than 12 hours you are telling me I can go home? We waited through the morning so I could walk a little more to make sure there wasn't a problem. Bill left to pick up Mom and the boys and while he was gone I saw the doctor and they said I could go home. We packed up and got home in just over 24 hours after my surgery began.
The first few days home were a blur. I slept a large amount of the time. Tuesday morning my Mom left. I don't know what I would have done without her. She was a huge help. On Tuesday my doctor called with test results. I must say I was anxious when I heard his voice as in my past experience the doctor doesn't call with good news, they leave that to the nurse or resident. He said because it was such good news he had to call me himself. The mass removed was not cancer! Hallelujah, Praise the Lord! it was a mass with a blood flow that looked as cancer on the test because of the amount of blood. What a relief!
Today I have been up, at least sitting on the couch, a good portion of the day. We picked Isaac up from school and ran a few errands. We were gone less than an hour and sat in the car the majority of time and I was exhausted. I am in very little pain now which is crazy if you look at my stomach. 6 incisions, lots of bruises and swelling but very little pain. I am amazed at whole good I feel, just struggling with little energy. I hate not having energy.
But God is so good. Without so many people covering me in prayer I cannot imagine I would be feeling this good.
For the most part, this recovery has not been this bad. I must say that without my husband I would be lost. It is so hard for me to release control of anything. But I haven't had a choice lately. He has been so wonderful and supportive and has had many sleepless night as I wake him up to get me a drink or medicine or help me out of bed. I am so thankful that God blessed me with such a wonderful man.
Thank you for you continued prayers.
August 12, 2014
the dreaded "c" word, stitches and school
What a week.
On Saturday, Noah slipped off the side of the pool and ended up with four stitches.
Today, Isaac went to his first day of school and loved it!
Tomorrow, is my last day of work for a month and my Mom comes!
On Thursday I will have part of my kidney removed.
What a week.
To make a very long story short, I went to the doctor for what I though was a bad gallbladder. Turns out they still aren't sure what is wrong with that part of me. In all the testing they found a mass on my kidney. After several doctors appointments, specialist appointments and finally an appointment with a surgeon, they all conclude that there is a 65-80% chance that the mass in cancer. They can't be sure until they remove it, but all the tests and scans indicate that it is most likely cancer.
The goods news is if it is cancer, the doctors words were I would be cured after surgey. No chemo or radiation just some follow up testing and then yearly testing. If it's not cancer then I will have yearly follow ups to make sure everything is still good.
So, it's been a long week at the Ford household. Still a long week ahead of us.
We have seen God work in so many ways.
Noah's fall could have been so much worse if he had just fallen differently. Not a doubt in my mind that God's hand of protection was on him.
Isaac had a great first day of school with no problems. He wasn't even scared and asked several times when we were going to leave ;)
With my health issues it sounds like my case is the best case scenario. If it is cancer, the is the best kind to have. Surgery and your done. It was caught early so it has mot spread.
So I ask you to pray for our family. I should be in the hospital for 3-4 days and then a 3-4 week recovery. Even though this is a major surgery it will be nice to have peace of mind and know for sure.
On Saturday, Noah slipped off the side of the pool and ended up with four stitches.
Today, Isaac went to his first day of school and loved it!
Tomorrow, is my last day of work for a month and my Mom comes!
On Thursday I will have part of my kidney removed.
What a week.
To make a very long story short, I went to the doctor for what I though was a bad gallbladder. Turns out they still aren't sure what is wrong with that part of me. In all the testing they found a mass on my kidney. After several doctors appointments, specialist appointments and finally an appointment with a surgeon, they all conclude that there is a 65-80% chance that the mass in cancer. They can't be sure until they remove it, but all the tests and scans indicate that it is most likely cancer.
The goods news is if it is cancer, the doctors words were I would be cured after surgey. No chemo or radiation just some follow up testing and then yearly testing. If it's not cancer then I will have yearly follow ups to make sure everything is still good.
So, it's been a long week at the Ford household. Still a long week ahead of us.
We have seen God work in so many ways.
Noah's fall could have been so much worse if he had just fallen differently. Not a doubt in my mind that God's hand of protection was on him.
Isaac had a great first day of school with no problems. He wasn't even scared and asked several times when we were going to leave ;)
With my health issues it sounds like my case is the best case scenario. If it is cancer, the is the best kind to have. Surgery and your done. It was caught early so it has mot spread.
So I ask you to pray for our family. I should be in the hospital for 3-4 days and then a 3-4 week recovery. Even though this is a major surgery it will be nice to have peace of mind and know for sure.
June 23, 2014
Last few baseball games and a few random Noah pictures
The Angels had an amazing season and I am so thankful that Isaac was able to be a part of this team. We had a great time meeting new friends and learning more about the game of baseball. A huge thank you goes out to all the coaching staff. They did an amazing job.
May 28, 2014
Isaac's Formal Baseball Pictures
Isaac's coach took their formal pictures this year and did an amazing job. Currently they are 9-0. The only undefeated team in their division. They will be in the tournament!
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