10 years

10 years ago, just about now, my phone rang as I was heading back from lunch. I knew going in I would have no service and I was super crazy. I grabbed my phone and talked to my Dad for just a few minutes. We were both busy but he wanted to say hi as he always did. He was having people over for dinner and was telling me all about the Christmas trees. We were planning my Christmas visit since I couldn't come home for Thanksgiving and I hadn't seen him since June. We both agreed it was too long. I don't know if we had ever gone that long without seeing each other.
Later that night, our phone were acting really weird so I called me sister to tell her that we couldn't get calls in but could call out. Why I did this, I am not sure. Turns out it was one of the best decision I made that night.  I hadn't slept well in days. We went to bed early and I had the best night of sleep In weeks. I woke up early, ready to go. I made plans with Bill to come pick him up at lunch to do something (for the life of me, I can't remember what he was doing that day) I left for work early, picked up a coworker and got to work early. I saw I had missed calls on my work phone. Two of them were my Dad's cell phone. Not uncommon as he often forgot and called my work number instead of my cell but strange as one was about 3:00 am and the other 6:00am. No 10 years ago, just about now, my phone rang as I was heading back from lunch. I knew going in I would have no service and I was super crazy. I grabbed my phone and talked to my Dad for just a few minutes. We were both busy but he wanted to say hi as he always did. He was having people over for dinner and was telling me all about the Christmas trees. We were planning my Christmas visit since I couldn't come home for Thanksgiving and I hadn't seen him since June. We both agreed it was too long. I don't know if we had ever gone that long without seeing each other.
Later that night, our phone were acting really weird so I called me sister to tell her that we couldn't get call in but could call out. Why I did this, I am not sure. Turns out it was one of the best decision I made that night.  I hadn't slept well in days. We went to bed early and I had the best night of sleep In weeks. I woke up early, ready to go. I made plans with Bill to come pick him up at lunch to do something (for the life of me, I can't remember what he was doing that day) I left for work early, picked up a coworker and got to work early. I saw I had missed calls on my work phone. Two of them were my Dad's cell phone. Not uncommon as he often forget and called my work number instead of my cell but strange as one was about 3:00 am and the othe 6:00. No message so I didn't think much before I started getting questions at work. About 7:40 Bill called. I answered and I could tell something was wrong. He insisted I come home immediately. I was so confused. I tried asking serval times what was wrong. Finally he said very firmly I need you to come home now. Stop asking me questions and come home.  I was so confused.  I called my boss, no answer. I called my coworker and said I had to go home and to tell our boss.
I drove home, very confused. On a busy day we lived 7 minutes away. My memories begin to become hazy at this point but I remember very vividly crossing the railroad tracks in front of the old Ramada Inn.  The words Dwayne Carson told us each year on Prayer Leader/SLD/RA training came flooding back. He always told us that someone will get a phone call this year that will change their life.  It may even be you.  At that point.  I remember crying out to God, please let my family be okay. Until that point, it never occurred to me that something could be wrong with my family.
At that moment, I began to panic.  I remember pulling in our parking space.  Bill was on the porch, on the phone.  He had been crying. At this point I was so confused.  I couldn't form a thought.  He handed me the phone. It was my Mom. She was crying. Again, I wasn't quite sure what was happening.
I don't remember her exacts word. Frankly I don't remember much of the conversation.  I remember her saying that Dad was home.  I was lost. She began to relive the events of the night before.  The night that I had the best sleep of my life. I remembering sitting on the stairs in our townhouse crying, still confused, waiting to wake up from this very confusing dream.  I vaguely remember our conversation not lasting long.  I told her I would call her back as soon as I made plans.  I remember calling Larry and saying "Apparently Dad just died. I have to go to Florida but I am not quite sure how to get there.  Do you have directions." I know, an odd conversation. He did have directions and brought them right over.  Moments later, all I could think about was my sister.  I hadn't even asked about her. How she was. What had happened. So I called again.  Still praying this was all a dream and hoping for Dad to answer.
Time began to stand still. Fortunately God has erased some of the memories of th following week. I remember we had to have the oil changed in the car. By this point, friends and family were calling.  I remember sitting there drinking a Coke in the Jiffy Lube, still thinking that this has to be a dream. I remember driving the very long 13 hours drive. I called Mom about every half hour.  I was so worried about her and Maribeth.
I thought the drive had to be horrible, but pulling up to the house my heart physically hurt.  When we came to visit Dad always waited for us outside. Oh how I hoped he was there.
The next two or three days are a blur.  Were we really sitting in the funeral home planning his viewing and service and picking out final resting place? Picking out what he would wear and making sure his hair was perfect.  If you knew him, you would understand.  He had to have his purple jacket and wingtip shoes and we would make his hair perfect. No one could fix it quite like he could.
Saturday came. Even through our laughter and tears we still couldn't believe this was happening. How was he not hear with us.  Being silly and just being Dad. How do we do this.  How can I sit there and say goodbye? How can I have enough physical strength do to to.  It as a long service.  Just like he would have wanted.  We only sang about 10 of his favorite songs.  Of course the service was about 3 hours.  If we would have sand all his favorite songs, we would still be there.  Pretty sure most songs were his favorite.
His friends told stories. Some I had never heard but all emphasizing how special he was.
Honestly 10 years later there are times it still doesn't feel normal without him.
Each year that passes the loss becomes easier and harder.  You don't necessarily miss him like you did 10 years ago, but your heart still hurts. Those moments you wish he wasn't missing.  Isaac's birth. Oh how I wished he was there. Noah's birth. He would have loved my boys so much.  Maribeth's wedding.  Watching her walk down the aisle physically made my heart hurt.  How could he be missing these days?
This is probably cliche but I miss him most at Christmas. Maybe it's the anniversary of his death or maybe it was because it was his favorite time of year.  I don't know, I just know that every Christmas song, every candlelight service, every cantata, every over the top tree, my heart still hurts.
I love him so much. He had his flaws, like all of us, but he was the best Dad in the  world.  Every once in a while Bill will hug my with a scraggly beard and I immediately feel my Dad.  His face always scratched me when he hugged me.  My cheek always turned red. I love that memory.
10 years later what can I say to remember him the way we should? There aren't words. In the last year we have lost many friends and family members. My eyes fill with tears when I think about the reunion in heaven. I can still imagine hearing him sing "And just think of stepping on shore, and finding it's heaven. Of touching hand and finding it's God's. Of waking up in Glory and  finding your home." He is home. Not his earthly home but his eternal home.